Why am I doing this?

Why am I doing this?

Yesterday I registered for the Austin marathon on February 14^th 2009. A few days before that I registered for the Dallas half marathon which is December 15^th. Yesterday after I registered for the marathon I took my four-year-old son to Barnes and Noble, or as he calls it, “The Thomas the Train store.” While at the Thomas the Train store I found a book entitled Marathoning for Mortals and picked it up. While watching my son play with Thomas the Train I thumbed through the book and started to cry.

Why am I doing this?

That question keeps nagging at me. I’ve become somewhat obsessed with running a marathon. Not “running,” but “running a marathon.” A couple years ago I weighed 310 pounds. I went on a diet. I went on a walk. The walk turned into a jog. And so on. I’ve lost a bunch of weight and I run between 20 and 30 miles a week now. I’ve gotten into the shoes, the fabrics of the shorts and shirts, fancy socks, gels, drinks, Nike plus, etc. But now all I can think about is running a marathon. I don’t know why. I like the idea of being able to say it. “I’ve run a marathon.” But I’m terrified. And honestly, when I think about it in very much depth, I cry. I don’t think that I cry solely out of fear. I don’t really know why. That’s why I’m typing. That’s why I’m running.

About three years ago my father died. About four years ago my son was born. About three months ago my second son was born. About five years ago I got sober.

Why am I doing this?